Dear Noah,
I know you’re only two years old, and your parents aren’t quite married yet, but they will be. While they will not be something to look up to when it comes to marriage, your mother will provide you with all of the love and guidance you will need as a son.
Instead of running away from it all, though, run towards it. Don’t hide from her. Share with her. Hug her. Tell her you love her. You will grow up eventually, and look back with regret if you do not.
You’re only young once. Your childhood and teenage years will come and go by in an instant. You’ll blink, and there goes middle school. High school will seem like it’s depressing, with no end in sight, but you’ll look back with even more regret.
You’ll become the oldest of five. They’ll look up to you, for guidance, support, and showing them the way.
Do not let regret become your life story. You’ll regret not going to more school dances in middle school. Even though you’ll play basketball and baseball, you’ll regret not playing football on the school team. You’ll regret not asking out the girls you actually liked and connected with, instead of the popular, no-shot ones you randomly made laugh once.
Middle school will be the prime of all that becomes your life. Nintendo 64 with Josh and Dan. Sony Playstation with Matthew. Sleepovers. Swimming. Pokemon cards. Movies. Sports. You’re going to think this will last forever, that you won’t grow up, somehow, as if you are immune to it. These are the moments to hold onto. Cherish them.
Your dad will push you in a lot of ways, mostly negative. He will drink. He will yell. He will physically and verbally abuse you and cause you to hate him. You will swear not to become him. During your high school years, he will cause you to quit sports altogether.
Do not let him win. Play sports because you love them, and you enjoy being around your teammates and friends. You quit to spite him. To let him get to you. Your father will push you in sports because he sees how athletic and good you are, not because he’s being mean. He just goes about it in the wrong ways.
You will regret quitting every sport in high school. You will never get this opportunity again. You will be tempted to come back your senior year. Do it. You aren’t going to play college sports. This will be your final year to leave it all on the court or field.
You will turn the other way your senior year. Do not stop doing your homework or studying. It all starts freshman year, slowly not caring about your grades. I’m not saying you shouldn’t play video games, or play sports outside with friends. I’m saying that your grades come first. Your job comes second. After that, you can still have all the fun you want.
By senior year, you will be hanging on by a thread. You will come home depressed, because of your own choices. You will not enjoy being at home, but then doing nothing about it. You will laugh about not taking the SAT’s or ACT’s. You will laugh that you have no plans after high school. Deep down, you already regret that four years have come and gone.
You’ll take a year off after graduating high school, and that’s fine. There is nothing wrong with that. Instead of just playing even more video games and lounging around, though, get another job right away. Save money all summer and instead of buying that piece of shit car, travel.
Get on a plane. See what you can of the world. You’re an adult. You can go wherever you want.
Serve your country. Regret will happen to you in many forms, not signing up to be an American hero will be one. Put in your time, learn some discipline, and receive military honors when you pass away from this Earth. Trust me. You will be afraid, but the regret will eat at you forever.
You’ll think you need a car to fit in or pretend to be cool, but the piece of shit cars won’t go anywhere. As your best friend Matthew learns, they’ll always be available. Focus on learning, and getting more real-world experience, instead of blowing all your money on a car.
Your BFF Dan will be years ahead of you by the time you do decide to attend college. He’ll already have his dream car, thousands saved up, and receive his certifications at college. He will have his toys, too. Guitars, custom computer setups, video games. There’s no reason you can’t have nice things, too.
Instead of feeling motivated, again, you’ll want to take the easy way out. You’ll want to get involved with people you shouldn’t, all for the “hot girl” you never had in high school. You’ll go for looks, and chase the wrong things in life. You will learn quickly, to just say no, and leave her.
If you don’t follow these last two lessons, the rest of your life will be a hindrance. You will have to outwork everyone, twice as hard, because of your early twenties choices. Don’t drop out of college (twice). Take your poker playing seriously, and you can earn serious money. Don’t blow it all living the fast life.
Don’t alienate your friends. Cherish them. Support them and talk to them. Your family will love you and want you around. You will think they do not, and as such, hurt them very badly. You will lose your apartment and have to move back home. You will become locked up and on the verge of ending your life, if you do not make necessary changes to your lifestyle. You know you need to leave this girl behind. Do it.
I’m not saying this to scare you. I’m saying this to warn you. This is reality. This is the last thing you ever envisioned happening, but it will. You swore to not become your father. I wish you had kept that promise.
By your mid-twenties, you will finally realize the mistakes you made. Life isn’t over, but now you are halfway to thirty. It’s good that you understand what you have done wrong, and whom you have hurt. You are still young enough to turn your life around. You do the right things by taking a break from poker and seeking a “normal” 9–5 job.
This will build character, and your bank account, and teach you the value of a dollar. You need to learn these things now, to set yourself up for the future.
You finally have money. You are debt-free. You want more out of life. Again, you make the right choices in going back to college and moving out on your own. You will even decide to chase your high school dream of becoming a mortician. Entering the funeral service program will be the best decision you have made at this point in your life. It will lead to purpose and a career to be proud of.
You will make your mother proud, finally. You will graduate from college. You will have tears in your eyes as you look out to the crowd and see your family cheering you on. You will become friends with Matthew after pushing him away. You will finally think you can be on Dan’s level.
As soon as this feeling comes, again, life comes at you fast, and it’s gone. With great power comes great responsibility. Having a career, with a condo, and being single, will lead to that same dark path if you are not careful. Being on your own, with no one to keep you in line will have you reliving your early twenties.
You will become known as the rockstar mortician, for all the wrong reasons. You will go into more debt than you can manage if you continue spending more than you make. A $40,000 yearly salary in 2017 as a newly licensed funeral director and embalmer will be enough, but different from the way you live. Stop. Right now.
You don’t need the clubs, or bottle service, or everything in sight. Getting back to playing poker is fine as a hobby, but not the high stakes you pretend you can beat. You can’t. You don’t need to sleep around or find validation from people who only care about your money. Your friends and family are what matter most.
If you don’t listen to me in leaving that girl from your early twenties, you REALLY need to listen to me now. She will come back in your life. RUN. If you don’t say no to her every whim and request, one of you will lose their life. It won’t end up being you, but you will be haunted by it for the rest of your life.
Again, you will lose everything. You will think life is over. You will become locked up and accused of something that couldn’t be farther from the truth. You will be blamed for everything, by everyone. You know you tried to help, save, and hold onto, but could not.
This will cause you more pain than you can imagine. So run now. Run as fast away as you can. Just say no, Noah!
You’re going to have everything you need in life. A condo. Your dream car (Cadillac CTS). Dream career. And yet, you’ll think something is missing. You know something is missing. It’s companionship. It’s love.
You’ll yearn for a family of your own. You’ll flip-flop and have doubts, but deep down, you know you want a family. Make that your focus. Work towards that goal. Not the fast women and expensive lifestyle. It will only lead to more sadness and regret. Regret will ruin you.
There will be nice girls for a change. You will date women that are good in the world and love you. I know you want to force that love. I get it, Noah, I’m from the future, I know you.
But they’re not for you. You’ll want to hang on and pretend things will get better. That you’ll get better. You can’t do it alone. Get help now. Break up with these women, and if they’re right, they’ll return. They’ll never return, because they aren’t right for you. Trust me, Noah, the best is yet to come.
I know you love funeral service more than anything in the world, but you also need to learn the hard way. It’s how you’ve always done things. Ironically, your rock-bottom is going to save your life.
I can’t lead you astray from this point on. You have to go through this. This was the only way for you to get to where you are now. Where I am from. It’s 2024. You’ll be 40 years old in September. You have to trust me here.
The woman you are with, you met while moving back home, and working for a funeral home you always thought was the “big time.” Fancy vehicles, immaculate buildings, and the largest call volume in the state. They’ll bring you in, and while it is hectic, you feel better served here, than other funeral homes.
You’re going to meet the woman of your dreams. All that you’ve wanted. It’s not going to be the fairy tale you think it is, but it will be. Noah, you’re going to throw it all away. You have to. Trust the process when I tell you this.
This will be the one time in your life that the pain is worth it.
You’ll hit rock bottom. You’ll lose your career (for the time being). You’ll throw all your money away. You’ll go in hiding. You’ll make it out alive. Barely. The worst moment(s) of your life will all culminate here. You will hurt the one woman you have loved the most.
Do what she says, Noah. Listen to your girlfriend. Follow everything your mother tells you. For once in your life. Your family and friends have only ever loved you. It’s time you loved them back.
You will be humbled. You will feel embarrassed. You will be honest. About where you have been, what you have done, and whom you have hurt. You’ll be surprised there are others just like you. You all have a common goal in mind: To get clean. To become sober. To seek help.
Happiness. Healthy. Purpose. Love. Hope. Motivation.
This will be the toughest thing you have ever done in your life. You will be told that only 5% of those who walk through the doors will make it. You’ve played poker long enough to know that means you have two outs with the river to come. Only two cards can save you. You’ll look at it like that.
You’ve hit two-outters before. You have had them happen to you even more. But you’ll make it. You’ll see that in time, rehab, in-patient therapy, and continued meetings are worth it. That girlfriend and career you thought you lost? You gained it back two-fold.
You’ll have money, trust, and a purpose again. And yet, none of that will compare to the end result: A wife and kids. That girlfriend you hurt so badly? She’s going to become your wife (I know, I’m still shocked, myself). You’re going to become a daddy for the first time. You’ll have two stepsons.
There won’t be a life filled with unending happiness. No, of course not. Your father will pass away. You’ll go almost ten years between seeing him and speaking to him until his cremation. You’ll be the last one with him, though. Say what you have to say, and then say goodbye.
You’ll lose pets, in the form of two dogs named Prince and Giselle. Your cat Roxy. The tears will flow for all of them, and may never stop. When people say “man’s best friend,” you will understand what they mean, only after they are gone. I hope you’re prepared to bury that which you love.
Your best friend Josh will pass away unexpectedly. This is the one that will hit you more than any other death. More than your father. More than the girl you couldn’t say no to. Even more than the animals you loved. This is why I am telling you to cherish those middle school years. You’d give anything to go back to the “good old days.”
This is real life, Noah. This is my letter to you. I want to warn you, but I also know that you have to go through these obstacles to find your way. I’m almost 40 years old, and I finally figured a few things out. Not everything, but a few things.
Trust the process. Love your family and your friends. They are the ones that matter. Love your wife and kids. Always do your best at work, and you’ll have the respect you crave from your colleagues. You’ll serve God and strangers. Just don’t give up, Noah. Don’t ever give up.
This is my letter to you.
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Life, Death, and Everything in Between. 