A couple of weeks ago, I met up with fellow Medium writer Alicia Dominguez (and Gothic connoisseur) via Zoom to talk about my expectations. Before we started the call, she gave me some questions that I had to answer. I had homework. Hey now, I thought those days were over.
Now, the questions given to me; weren’t just about expectations in general, they were regarding my life and my writing. I had to get specific. After all, how can you achieve what you want out of life if you don’t even know what you want? I had to ask myself some hard questions.
What are my expectations of my friends? What are my expectations out of working in funeral service? What are my expectations when it comes to love and a relationship? What do I expect my life to become?
What are my expectations when it comes to my writing? What do I expect to happen by blindly posting on Medium? Or my personal website here? What about social media?
Suddenly, I was speechless. For those of you who know me, then you know that I love to talk. I always have something to say, and I always have to get the last word in. I’m stubborn in that way. I am still a great listener and learner though, I swear!
Alicia and I talked quite a bit on each question, and while we went off on a few tangents once in a while, our conversation brought clarity to my life.
I am someone who enjoys reading. I like writing even more. Not a day goes by where I don’t. I have pages and pages full of notes that may never even see the light of day. Or books that I may never get to because I have so many.
I also want to learn and grow internally and more specifically, mentally, through my writing. I want to leave behind a wealth of knowledge and encouragement. I want to be someone’s inspiration. I want someone to tell me that my writing made their day, or helped them through a similar situation.
When it comes to my friends, I have but a few really good, loyal and close ones. Friends that I see on a somewhat regular basis, or at the very least keep in touch with almost daily. I expect that to continue throughout my life and that if they had an issue with anything or anyone, they can count on me. I count on them just the same.
Being a funeral director, I expect that each day I will be dealing with families who lost a loved one. Automatically, their day is worse than mine has ever been. I have been lucky thus far in life, in that I have lost a couple of people in my life, but I still have those who mean more to me than life itself. Not everyone is that lucky. I know people who have lost their hearts. Their soul. Their everything and everyone. All I can do from here on out is to be there for them. Personally and professionally.
With love, comes heartbreak. I have loved and lost, and I have also been the one to be the cause of losing love. I have been a great boyfriend and I have been a terrible boyfriend. If any of my exes would ever read this, know that I would change so much of the pain I caused if I truly could. In a previous article, I mentioned how we have all been the villain in someone’s story. I’m the Joker in quite a few. I expect that for the rest of my life, my love out there knows that I will be better.
It will take time. I do have a lot of growing to do. I have a lot of repenting to do. I have a lot of making up to do. And I expect that I will. I expect to hold myself to a better standard in the future. I expect to not be influenced by former “friends” or past temptations. I expect to be the best boyfriend, lover, best friend, husband and person I can be, as I once was before. I expect to have that love again, until I am no more. Heart to heart. Dust to dust.
While Alice in Gothic Land and I discussed these expectations in life, it brought more clarity to my writing expectations. I often struggled with what exactly I was trying to achieve with my writing. Sure, I’ve published a few books (see link below). I’ve been a paid writer for a few poker websites (Pokernews and the now-defunct Pokershares). I have been in a few publications on funeral service articles. But I wrote just because I liked to.
While there is nothing wrong with that, I wanted more. I didn’t want to write just to write and waste a golden opportunity. In today’s world, people crave attention. They desire to scroll through life and on social media. The quickest, easiest way to read something or look at something that catches their eye and be done with it. Our attention spans are so short, that we need to keep lessening our videos, our articles, our content.
I know this article is not doing so, but me and my Gothic friend covered a lot! I do not want to do that time a disservice by skimming or scrolling by. She helped me understand that I don’t have that same interest in just scrolling by. I don’t care for the fake models on Instagram. I don’t need to spend 20 minutes in the bathroom on Facebook.
After our discussion, I went ahead and deleted Instagram. I posted on Facebook about leaving for a while. I let everyone know that if they wished to keep in touch with me, to DM me or follow me on here. I also mentioned that I would mainly be on Twitter from now on, interacting with like-minded creators and writers. I have found more friends and gotten more likes and views than I ever have. It’s only been two weeks, but it’s amazing what can happen when you narrow down your focus on what YOU truly want.
I don’t want it all, in the grand scheme of things, but rather; I want it all, with the few in my life. Less is more. I was once told by the love of my life that instead of trying to do more in life, that I should try to do less. Well, you were right my dearest. In doing less, I am accomplishing more. Guys, don’t you hate when she’s always right?
My reality had been a lie. While I wasn’t “lying” per se, about what I was doing, who I was, or where I was; I was lying to myself about my wants and needs. I felt like a fake in posting on Instagram or Facebook. I was trying too hard to get likes or follows. I was trying to appease everyone else online, and not myself, in real life. By me saying goodbye to the “more,” I was becoming happier with the “lesser.”
I expect to continue writing more about my past life as a poker player, and how it pertains to my life now, as a funeral director. I expect to publish even more books. I expect to create videos, perhaps even a podcast, from my writing. My creativity has never been higher, and I owe it all to answering the hard questions and facing my reality.
From now on, I expect you to do the same.
Life, Death, and Everything In Between. 