I get it. I understand your plight. I feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through.
I, too, have a past. We all do.
The difference is; I’m learning to let mine go. If you want to move forward in life; you have to let go of your past.
There’s trauma. There’s bad blood. There’s a lot to digest. You can seek professional help. Talk to a friend. Write down your thoughts. No one has to go through life alone.
Break the chains of self-loathing guilt. Know that you are still here, living, breathing, and capable. Life happened, and can still happen.
Let it go. And grow.